Today, I had a moment when I felt pride about a previous post. It brought me to this site...a place I haven't been in years...and I realized something. I missed it. I miss writing. I miss reflecting. Even into the ether that is this space.
Part of me feels as if I should use this space to go into details about 2020 and all that it brought to this world. History will certainly take its own take on the year, and I know eventually I will want to reflect on my own take on the year. But truth is, I'm tired. I'm defeated. I am far from at my best. And all of this makes reflecting on a year of a health pandemic, a year of heightened racial unrest (hundreds of years in the coming) and a political state that has left the US the most divided since the Civil War extremely exhausting, even if it is the responsible thing to do. This all seems especially heavy for a first post in three years.
Instead, it seems that I should reflect to my non-existent audience on where I am on my personal journey. All of the world's events have left me struggling. And it is only recently that I feel as if I am starting to turn a corner and get the energy to pull myself out of this struggle.
In stimulating my mind, I have begun a Ph.D. program. While it took me a long time to start this journey, it was worth the wait. I found the right program and the right cohort. I truly feel blessed. I am learning, feeling challenged and feeling supported. I made friends...a task I've always been bad at. Maybe Dr. Maturi isn't such a stretch.
The highlight of 2020 was Phil and Lauren's wedding. My brother is the happiest I've ever seen him. He truly glows every time he looks at Lauren. And I now have a seeester. The perfect seeester. We laugh. We learn. We cuddle. I had no idea how great a seeester could be until she entered our world. She is perfect. Being loved by them makes me feel privileged on a daily basis. I don't deserve their love, but I have it; and for that, I'm blessed.
My monster is off living her best life in Madrid. Oh, to be 23 and living in Europe! I am jealous of where she is in life, but I am so proud of who she is and what she is accomplishing. She is smart. She is more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside, and that's saying a lot. She is funny...the perfect sarcastic nature I would want. She cares about the world. I also feel proud that I've been able to support her in her travels and life journey. Honestly, it's all that matters.
Working at LMU still feeds my soul. My students are amazing. My colleagues are inspiring. I feel lucky every day going to work, especially in a world where I don't actually go anywhere. The fact that we laugh, joke and do our best work, even via Zoom, reminds me that I am at the right place.
I have an amazing group of littles in my life. Not biologically nieces and nephews, but nieces and nephews by love. Watching them grow, spoiling them and loving them fulfills me beyond words. I'm starting to come to terms with not getting to be a parent on my own, but what love I can give to others.
And, even if far away, I am surrounded by love. I have Alli, Yas, Karen, Caity, Shannon and my PortuGAL girls. This is the love that sustains me on the hardest days. This is the love that helps me figure out how to pick up heavy equipment and place them in my apartment, even though most would pass that on to their partner. This is the love that fills the void where my mom's absence lives.
I think I stopped writing because all I was saying seemed sad. But sad needs to be normalized before it can be corrected. I think my honesty around sadness, anxiety and similar emotions is why I've been a successful educator. I don't deny that this is real. That you can be successful and struggle at the same time. One of life's greatest tricks.
I don't believe in resolutions. And February is far from the time to make them. But today, my hope is that I remember how much writing means to me. That I take back the action of reflecting via words daily. And that maybe, must maybe, writing can be one tool that helps me get out of this rut. Because the power of word is strong.
