pulled in multiple directions

recently, i've been feeling in the midst of a tug of war. i often find myself caught between feeling accomplished at work and feeling balance at home; between getting enough rest and getting enough exercise; between spoiling everyone i love and saving for a rainy day. but the area i've felt most stretched is making time for myself and making time for others. i've been given some feedback lately that there are folks with whom i work that feel hurt that i don't spend enough time with them outside of work. and while it's flattering to have people enjoy spending time with me, it can be difficult to put myself on the back burner because of fear of unintentionally hurting someone's feelings. this is also a bit different from another piece of feedback i received this semester about reminding myself that i don't have to be all things to all people. so which is it? (another place where i'm caught in the middle).

this is on my mind tonight because today i had to have a conversation because of this exact situation, and to add to the pull in two directions, it also involved dragging work into something personal, blurring the lines of something for me to which i've been so looking forward. fortunately, i was able to talk through all of what i was thinking and feeling with my supervisor, who really understood what i was feeling. she helped me realize that i needn't hold myself accountable for how everyone else feels because we have a number of people who take things too personally at times because they forget to see the bigger picture. it felt good to know that i wasn't selfish or uncaring to want to keep some things for myself. now if only everyone else could understand these things!

now i sit here wondering how to break the cycle and get out of the middle. and i fear this isn't possible without hurting people's feelings. but i'm trying to remind myself that i can't be responsible for other people's baggage. although, that's much easier said than done. so today i didn't break the cycle; instead i gave in to craziness. and now i can't help but wonder what i've perpetuated and when i'll start putting myself first.

a new hope

i left the gym today feeling lighter. not because i perspired my way through 8.5 miles on the bike, but because after i climbed the stairs to my polling place and voted in the 2008 presidential election. it was my fourth time voting in a presidential election, but for some reason, it felt different. it felt more inspiring. maybe it's because i truly feel excited about barack obama. or maybe it was the latte i treated myself to after my ballot was submitted. but either way, i took a deep breath and smiled at the world around me.

and now i go to bed, proud of my country for proving that you don't have to be an old, white man to be elected president of this great nation. and, regardless of your chosen candidate, i am proud of everyone i know for getting out to vote and play a role in this important day. the only way i could sleep more soundly was to know that californians chose NOT to vote hate and discrimination into our state constitution by putting limitations on the definition of marriage. unfortunately, i'm not sure that that's going to happen, but instead of laying here worrying about it, i think i'm going to take a deep breath and let the hope of it all be the louder voice in my head.

Inertia

What have you done today to fight the inertia?

This question is a new driving force in my life. I've been in a strong battle against lethargy for, well, 30 years now. And especially recently, it feels as if it's only gotten worse (or maybe I'm just attuned to it). And while knowing some of the medical reasons behind my battle does help on a cognitive level, it doesn't help me make any progress. So instead of being overwhelmed by the task of finding energy, I am trying to take it in small steps. So as long as once a day I do something to fight inertia, I feel like I'm chipping away at the larger daunting task.

So, what did I do today to fight inertia? I wrote a little, and my goal is to follow the writing with a little reading and a trip to the grocery store. Oh! And I checked my PO Box and went to the bank. Wow! I've done more than I realized. I'm calling today a victory in my battle!

Rain in California

What is it about rain in Southern California that makes students run out of their buildings, dancing and shouting? Yesterday, the skies opened for approximately seven solid minutes of actual rain drops, and immediately, four students from two different apartments shot outside as if gold was falling from above. It's actually an incredible sight to watch such a genuine reaction of joy to something that in other parts of the country is so common place...even dreaded. It was a moment that you realize that everything truly is relative.

ps...

...remember my commitment to blog at least once a day? what happened?! sometimes i wish i could just think the words and it would end up in a blog, because then i'd be blogging all of the time.

and why do i care about the blog when i never really say anything? well, i miss writing. and i need the practice to improve. and, who knows, maybe one day all of this babbling can wind it's way into the great briana novel.

new adventures to new regions

today...oh today...

i experienced a first today after having to have a medical procedure done. the procedure itself was not really a problem, but the day of prep yesterday was terrible. i am very thankful that it's over...for now. i am also very thankful that even though i am so far away from my family, i have amazing friends who take good care of me during times of need. i'm a lucky kid.

but, in more exciting news, my wanderlust was beginning to get the best of me. i could feel that itch that always starts when it's been a while since i've traveled anywhere. it's such a longing feeling that starts deep down until it creeps into my brain. i end up searching books, magazines and travel sites until i'm able to find a destination that speaks to me. well, luckily, right as this feeling was hitting it's peak, carmen and i stumbled upon an AMAZING airfare sale to australia. $740 round trip from lax to sydney. what?! that is ridiculous...almost to the point of unbelievable. that was one week ago tomorrow. i am happy to report that yesterday, we bought tickets, and now we are seven months away from leaving for an adventure we'll never forget. i can't believe it. i am so excited!

WTF?!?

why did i awake to a woman on a loud speaker leading a stretching and warm up session at 8 AM?? ugh...

up and down

it's been quite a week. on one hand, i feel like i have so much to process. on the other hand, i'm so damn drained that i can't bring myself to do anything. and this is how i find myself in a living conundrum. grrr...

last one...for now

Which Sex And The City Character Are You?

More on Sex and the City. Created by BuddyTV

at least i'm consistent

Which Character From The Office Are You?

More on The Office. Created by BuddyTV

i don't know why i'm doing this?

What NBC "The Office" character are you? Your Result: Jim Halpert You are the kind of person that everyone likes. You are funny, laid back, and not bad looking. You love practical jokes and having a fun time with your friends. However, because you are so laid back you often let the things that are most important to you get away. I miss Dwight. Congratulations Universe, you win.
Pam Beesly
Toby Flenderson
Kelly Kapoor
Dwight Kurt Schrute
Michael Scott
Ryan Howard
Angela Martin
What NBC "The Office" character are you? See All Our Quizzes

But it's kinda fun! And I do love Jim Halpert!

now this is more like it...

You Are 95% New Jersey!

Wow, you're totally Jersey. There's no doubt about it. Congratulations, and always be proud to be Jersey--it's a great thing to be!

How New Jersey Are You?
Make Your Own Quiz

i somehow scored higher this time than the last time i took this quiz. maybe i'm feeling a bit homesick.

seriously?

Which Grey's Anatomy Character Are You?

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what the hell?! where has being loyal gotten me? hmph...

a commercial break

so, rather than continue to try to figure out life via written word, i thought i'd take a break to realize that i have kept a commitment to myself: i have written at least once every day for the past week. and though one week isn't the longest time in the world, it's a start.

talk it out

so, i'm not sure if it's a side effect of my job, but i'm actually a big proponent of talking things out. i believe in telling people how you feel and sharing as a way of working through things. and while this is typically a very good method, the problem is that it only works when the other person is willing to talk things out, as well. and, the truth is, there aren't a lot of people who are willing to do so. so that typically leaves me feeling needy or overly-emotional, when really i just hate childish, passive-aggressive bull shit.

last night, a friend of mine texted to offer me company and chocolate cake. and although i was not in a good place to have anyone see me, the fact that i knew someone was there was extremely comforting. and today i got to talk to two good friends of mine, and both are always good at helping me feel more grounded. one of them knows a lot of people in my life, and she's pretty observant to some of the nonsense that some of those people are capable of. she helps remind me that i'm not crazy (and when needed, she puts me in my place...which i always hate at the time). my other friend is just a good person to talk to because he lives in such a different world than i do that it's always nice to get his perspective. besides, he always knows how to make me smile.

so, combining both of those thoughts leads me to my clarity of today: there are people in my life who are good people, and those people are worth talking it out with (even if it's hard) and not running away from. let's hope when put into practice, that clarity stays clear.

stick a fork in me...

...i'm done.

i feel defeated. and hurt. and worried. and tired. and done. i'm pretty sure i'm empty, and have nothing left.

true colors

recently, someone who i considered a good friend showed me their true colors; unfortunately, they weren't very pretty colors. in the moment, all i could do was think of all the ways i screwed up or i did wrong. this is a terrible habit that i've spent a lifetime doing and a few years now trying to correct, but at times, it's just my knee-jerk reaction. even though i now knew why that person had been treating me poorly up until our conversation, it didn't hurt any less. and the problem is that it actually hurt more once i was able to walk away and think about everything he had just said. and with the hurt, also came some anger because through our conversation, everything he thought was going on, he manifested from his own insecurities and paranoia. but somehow, i paid the price for it.

fortunately, that night, a good friend of mine came over to be with me so that i wasn't alone. as i poured my tears and words out to him, he was able to provide that third-party perspective that you can't get on your own. he reminded me that you can't be responsible for someone else's insecurities and that my other friend needs to deal with his own shit rather than taking it out on others. of course, even as he was saying that, i found myself defending my other friend. and that's when i realized, what the fuck am i doing?! it's not helpful to me to try and be understanding of others at the expense of myself. because it only leaves me feeling terrible about myself. and as i am working on truly knowing that i deserve more than that, it is helpful to have good friends in my life who remind me of that as well.

and why is this all bubbling now? i feel like i have had some major run away inclinations lately, and i think this is a big part of the reason. the atmosphere that this person has generated is so negative and the behavior has been so childish that it makes me cringe. and though it has made me more appreciative of the good people in my life, it has also made me feel very clingy to them because i feel like i'm searching for a touchstone to ground me. and i don't want to be grounded in crazyland.

tired

so, i'm trying to stick to my commitment to write more frequently...but, i'm just so tired. my head has been hurting for over two days now, and it's really draining me. i had some tests done today, so hopefully we'll be closer to having some answers about my headaches/migraines, but until then, i'm just hoping for a pain-free weekend.

one man's trash is another man's treasure

so, today at lunch, one of my favorite cranky friends told me that my blogs from when i was doing semester at sea were not very exciting. now, i take this feedback with a grain of salt considering - as previously mentioned - he's a bit cranky (in a loving way...i swear...i think). regardless, i decided to take a little trip down memory lane, and guess what i found? i'm damn amusing...and reflective. so even if SOME people find it boring, i find me endearing. and i suppose that's what counts.

smell the sea and feel the sky

as i was walking home from the gym today, i had a moment where the beauty of my surroundings and the gorgeous weather struck me, and as that moment washed over me, "into the mystic" came on my ipod. so i laid down in the middle of the grass, closed my eyes and just enjoyed the moment. these are the things i don't do enough.

lessons learned...

...from television?!

yes, so, i hate to admit it, but there are times when i watch some cheesey, cliched television show, and as the credits are rolling, i find myself pondering some deeper meaning and how it applies to my own life. and tonight, as i immersed myself into some gift of pop culture from my tivo, i couldn't help but think about the search for self. considering the one person in life you should know the best (taking into account the amount of time you spend with them) is yourself, why do we spend so much of our lives trying to figure out who we are? shouldn't that process be a bit easier?

at the age of 30, i can't decide if i've figured out a lot or a little. i know i've made big strides, particularly in the last few years, but there doesn't seem to be a day that goes by that i don't find myself in deep thought about some aspect of me. and is this a sign that i'm only toe deep in my attempts at getting to know myself, or am i just introspective? either way, i'm not sure i'm happy with the answer. because what i want is a bit of contentment rather than always a push to better and improve. because that kind of push is tiring, and in life, there's no commercial break during which i can rest up.

nothing to say

i've been thinking a lot about my blog recently. this has been a place where i've been able to share so many of the exciting adventures that i've experienced abroad over the last few years. but for some reason, when i'm not trotting around the globe, i find it difficult to sit down and contemplate my daily experiences in the written format. now, considering i dread it when people ask me, "so, what's new?" because i feel like i have nothing to say, it may seem strange that i've been feeling this pull to blog about the mundane. but, actually, that's the exact point. i feel like there are so many interesting or humorous or inspiring or sad things that happen every day that i let slide that are worth taking a second to reflect on, such as:

* the first day it actually rained in los angeles since i moved here, and i got to watch the reaction of all of my students who never see nature's showers.
* the day i turned 30.
* the day i was feeling completely empty from work and i walked by this sweet humming bird, and i stopped to take in the natural beauty, and just as i was feeling a little better about the day, the humming bird pooped and i had to laugh at the irony.

so, in an effort to slow down a little, i want to try and do a little writing every day. and i thought that maybe by doing it on the blog, i would feel like i was accountable to the cyber-audience who may or may not even read this. plus, we all know how much i live inside my own head. maybe it will do me some good to empty out some of my brain every once in a while.