true colors

recently, someone who i considered a good friend showed me their true colors; unfortunately, they weren't very pretty colors. in the moment, all i could do was think of all the ways i screwed up or i did wrong. this is a terrible habit that i've spent a lifetime doing and a few years now trying to correct, but at times, it's just my knee-jerk reaction. even though i now knew why that person had been treating me poorly up until our conversation, it didn't hurt any less. and the problem is that it actually hurt more once i was able to walk away and think about everything he had just said. and with the hurt, also came some anger because through our conversation, everything he thought was going on, he manifested from his own insecurities and paranoia. but somehow, i paid the price for it.

fortunately, that night, a good friend of mine came over to be with me so that i wasn't alone. as i poured my tears and words out to him, he was able to provide that third-party perspective that you can't get on your own. he reminded me that you can't be responsible for someone else's insecurities and that my other friend needs to deal with his own shit rather than taking it out on others. of course, even as he was saying that, i found myself defending my other friend. and that's when i realized, what the fuck am i doing?! it's not helpful to me to try and be understanding of others at the expense of myself. because it only leaves me feeling terrible about myself. and as i am working on truly knowing that i deserve more than that, it is helpful to have good friends in my life who remind me of that as well.

and why is this all bubbling now? i feel like i have had some major run away inclinations lately, and i think this is a big part of the reason. the atmosphere that this person has generated is so negative and the behavior has been so childish that it makes me cringe. and though it has made me more appreciative of the good people in my life, it has also made me feel very clingy to them because i feel like i'm searching for a touchstone to ground me. and i don't want to be grounded in crazyland.