This feeling of so much to say, so little time is a big part of what has kept me away from the blog recently. The more days that past without doing a little writing, the more I had to say. And the more I had to say, the more time I knew it would take me to say it. And the more time I needed, the less time I felt like I had. So, this endless circle spiraled me into an imaginary wall that blocked my path to written reflection. And now, as I try to break down that wall, I'm trying to remind myself that sometimes you don't need to "go big or go home." Sometimes, you just need to go.
So here I am. Going. And it has been a busy few weeks...almost two months now. At work, I sometimes feel almost robotic. I have an endless to do list, which doesn't really overwhelm me, but I do feel like I have just enough time to get things done, but not as much time to give anything extra. This has been a theme for me over the last year and a half. In the beginning, I spent a lot of time feeling guilty for what I wasn't doing, rather than considering what I was doing. I have now tried shifting my perspective. And this has been fairly successful. I think I have grown to understand how my role has changed, which helps me understand why I have less time for some things and need to make more time for others.
The more difficult part of this has been trying to help my staff understand this shift without them feeling like I care any less about them. This is the hard part, and the part that most frequently leaves me pondering how I am letting them down. I've had great supervisors, and I've had bleh supervisors. The great ones are the ones who have supported me when I most needed it, challenged me when I needed a swift kick in the butt and cared about me the same throughout it all. They are the ones who helped me determine what I wanted to be like as a supervisor. Recently, I spend a lot of time worrying about how I'm not living up to my own standard.
But the bigger standard that I have trouble meeting is the one that I have set for myself personally. This is a journey that I know will be a lifetime battle for myself. And probably using the word battle isn't entirely fair to process. I believe in life as a journey, continuously exploring the world around you and your role in it. And sometimes that journey isn't about dueling it out (with yourself or others)...sometimes it's just a leisurely stroll. But either way, it is a journey, and one that I am actively pursuing.
These past few months have offered up a timeless tradition in my life: Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. While this is typically only applied to weddings, I think it is also a good fit for many of the things I've been focused on recently.
Something Old: What can I say? I'm like a broken record when it comes to relationships with friends. Sometimes I wonder if I cherish my friendships too much? Hold them to too high of a standard? Because so many times do I find myself feeling hurt or isolated from people I love. To me, relationships seem like a no-brainer. You care about someone? Then call them. Spend time together. Laugh. Talk. Share what's happening in your life. Listen to what's happening in theirs. Fight. Work it out. I realize that not everyone deals with people in the same manner, but I am still shocked when I find myself in a situation where someone I care about seems so distant, and I have no idea how that happened. Once upon a time, I would've fought to close the gap. Call. Write. Name what I'm feeling and perceiving so that we can put it all behind us. The problem is I have been burned too many times by people not willing to reach back. So I've become jaded. Tired. I feel like I shouldn't always have to be the bigger person. I was having part of this conversation with a friend yesterday, and he said, "Extend an olive branch." And my knee-jerk reaction was, "Why am I always the one extending especially when I'm not the one who put up the wall?" The logical side of me knows that is a silly counter argument since I believe in communication and friendship, so maybe that's why I need to be the extender. But the emotional side of me is tired. And maybe a little confused about who is worth fighting for.
Something New: While health has always been a concern in my life, 2010 has brought this to a new level. I have been exploring my own health in new ways for months and months now. I am in and out of doctors appointments, and trying to get myself in a place that will help me live a different kind of life. More energy. Less aches. This has been such a roller coaster of emotion...scary decisions, honest truths, relearning habits. And even as I type this, the unknown of it all seems terrifying. The other new part to this is my own ability to break down my walls and let others in to my fear. Somewhere along the line, I learned to never show others what I'm feeling in fear that I would push them away with my imperfections. Or that they wouldn't care, and then I'd feel more hurt. But I feel tremendously grateful for the few people who I have been able to truly and openly talk to about this whole process, and who have really been there for me in return. It's helped me learn a lot about the level to which others care about me.
Something Borrowed: I've had many a therapist tell me that I can't take on the world's problems, and while I have made major progress (*salutes* Major Progress!) in this arena, I don't think I will ever be able to feel nothing about what my loved ones are experiencing. And truthfully, I wouldn't want to. That is such a huge part of who I am and how I define my life. I care about others, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for the people I love. And truthfully, I don't see this as a bad thing. So, when my mom is feeling sick from the chemo or my dad is feeling left out of family news or Kayla is having problems with friends at school or AJ is worried about what's next or Elyse is freaking out about the quals or Yas is feeling overwhelmed with empathy...well, let's just say it's hard for me to not feel what they're feeling. And I mean truly feel that emotion. Fortunately, I've learned that I don't need to solve these problems because sometimes it's enough to just recognize what they're feeling and be there to listen when they need it. But these are still the borrowed journeys that I am privileged enough to walk.
Something Blue: My judicial assistant at UMass used to leave me notes above my monitor that said, "Beat the funk!" This always made me smile and helped when I was having those days or weeks when I just couldn't shake the blues...or the funk. The last week has been one of those weeks for me. And the majority of the time, I haven't been able to pinpoint the source of this "ugh," but last night, I do think I had a mini-epiphany that gave me some insight into the feeling. Regardless, I still have these periods when that negative feeling just crawls into the pit of my stomach and takes up residency until I can figure out a way to evict it. And feeling this way makes it so much easier for me to hide from the world.
So this sums up where my mind has been the past few weeks, and what has been building up to stand between me and the blog. Maybe now that I've finally broken through and done some typing, it'll be easier for me to remember that I don't need an "all or nothing" entry. Even just a random thought by Briana is good enough. Because if nothing else, sharing a few of the thoughts in my head really helps me enjoy the silence of an early Sunday morning more when there is less noise in my head.
