pulled in multiple directions

recently, i've been feeling in the midst of a tug of war. i often find myself caught between feeling accomplished at work and feeling balance at home; between getting enough rest and getting enough exercise; between spoiling everyone i love and saving for a rainy day. but the area i've felt most stretched is making time for myself and making time for others. i've been given some feedback lately that there are folks with whom i work that feel hurt that i don't spend enough time with them outside of work. and while it's flattering to have people enjoy spending time with me, it can be difficult to put myself on the back burner because of fear of unintentionally hurting someone's feelings. this is also a bit different from another piece of feedback i received this semester about reminding myself that i don't have to be all things to all people. so which is it? (another place where i'm caught in the middle).

this is on my mind tonight because today i had to have a conversation because of this exact situation, and to add to the pull in two directions, it also involved dragging work into something personal, blurring the lines of something for me to which i've been so looking forward. fortunately, i was able to talk through all of what i was thinking and feeling with my supervisor, who really understood what i was feeling. she helped me realize that i needn't hold myself accountable for how everyone else feels because we have a number of people who take things too personally at times because they forget to see the bigger picture. it felt good to know that i wasn't selfish or uncaring to want to keep some things for myself. now if only everyone else could understand these things!

now i sit here wondering how to break the cycle and get out of the middle. and i fear this isn't possible without hurting people's feelings. but i'm trying to remind myself that i can't be responsible for other people's baggage. although, that's much easier said than done. so today i didn't break the cycle; instead i gave in to craziness. and now i can't help but wonder what i've perpetuated and when i'll start putting myself first.