sleepless

it's somewhere in the six o'clock hour of the morning on december 4.
i am sitting in the staff/faculty lounge, and i've just witnessed the
sun rise over the horizon. as i sit here and watch it get bigger and
bigger, tears are falling down my face. it's unbelievable how it
just pops up so quickly, and if you're not looking, you can miss one
of the most beautiful sights on earth.

this morning, i woke up around six with a pounding headache. despite
a little excedrin and my best efforts, i was unable to fall back
asleep, so instead i got up and came here, hoping to get some quiet
time. i hoped i'd catch the sunrise, but never did i think that it
would have such an impact on me. i am overwhelmed with the experience.

i'm overwhelmed with the number of students up at this hour,
studying, watching the sunrise, spending quality time together in what
little time they have left on this ship...
i'm overwhelmed at how peaceful the sounds of the ship are when most
of the passengers are asleep...
i'm overwhelmed with how amazing it is to watch this group of
students in front of me laughing and snapping pictures and just
taking advantage of every moment...
i'm overwhelmed with how beautiful the sun is and how lucky i am to
be right here...
i'm overwhelmed with how much i love my family and friends and how
unbelievably lucky i am to have each of you in my life...
i'm overwhelmed with how much i can grow to care about a group of
people in 100 days and how sad i'll be when i have to say goodbye...
i'm overwhelmed with how scared i am to return to daily life and not
be able to explain what i'm feeling and thinking to those around me...
i'm overwhelmed with how much i have to pack and do before december 7...
i'm overwhelmed with the vast blank slate ahead of me starting
december 8...
i'm overwhelmed with the fear of possibility that my mom will need
too many hugs from me and that my dad won't get it and that my
brother might not get to see these amazing things one day or that my niece won't want to see these things one day...
i'm overwhelmed with my own honesty in this blog...
but mainly, i'm just overwhelmed...

and after weeks of hiding under a blanket of numbness, protecting me
from the reality of the sun setting one final time on this voyage, i
think the tears that i can't stop right now are a sign that the
blanket is gone. i can feel the sun on my face, and i know that dusk
has arrived.