Night Swimming

As always, my mind has been spinning with thoughts these days.  I wake up in the morning with a ton of things on my mind, and this continues until I am laying in bed at night trying to wind down.  With every breath, I'm considering things that need to be done at work, the path in which my life is headed, steps I can take to be a better version of me, ways in which I can help my friends, items that need to be checked off my to do list, places that I want to visit, people that I want to see.  The thoughts are endless.  Many times a day, I begin to "write" some sort of reflection or observation to share, but before I get time to sit down and put those thoughts into a coherent sentence, I'm already bogged down by my next thought and too tired to muster up the energy to sort back through my mind to recreate the ideas that I was so excited to process.  So instead, I lay in bed wondering how another day went by without allowing myself some space to write, to talk, to get out of my head.  Which might be why I have spent so much of life externally quiet and internally loud.  I haven't quite found a time, place or person to let me take the time and just release some of what is floating around in this brain of mine.  And sometimes, I am swimming in it.

UBC: What it Meant to Me

You truly never know where your day is headed.  When I woke up this morning, I knew a few things.  I knew I had to attend a webinar that would likely be boring.  I knew I had to sit through three hours of duty protocol training with the RDs.  I knew I had a lot of work to do that was making me anxious.  Aside from that, I had no idea what would fill in the gaps to make today unique.

And when Anthony called...four times in a row...I immediately assumed something important was happening that needed my attention.  What I didn't know was that I was right and wrong at the same time.  No, AJ wasn't being rushed to the hospital.  Instead, Anthony was just excited because he was hosting the first Unique Book Club (UBC) meeting, and he wanted me to attend.  I laughed when he asked me; first because in the split second before I was scared of what was wrong, and second because I could hear Anthony's excitement through the phone.  Only Anthony could get so excited over a book club that had one unique feature: everyone reads their own book.  But his excitement is hard to resist, so though I knew I wanted to take a walk, I headed to his apartment.  And instead of a walk, I took a leap.

What I leapt into was an evening of sharing, learning and rejuvenating that I could not have foreseen.  As I sat there and listened to the stories of my co-workers and friends, it occurred to me more than once that I had stumbled into something so much more than a book club.  I stumbled into a circle of people who provided me with support, entertainment and encouragement in just a few short hours.  Imagine what could happen by meeting on a regular basis?  This was about so much more than reading; this was about living.  What a unique book club, indeed.

What's in a Vision?

Close your eyes.  Think about your life.  What do you see?  Where do you see yourself?  What are you doing?  Who is by your side?  How are you making a difference?

Since I was a little kid, I've done this a lot.  I used to lay in bed, dreaming of what my life would be like when I was an adult.  I had a vision.  And now, when I lay in bed as an adult, I think about that little kid.  She had a healthy worry about what the future held, but she also had hope.  She was excited.  She believed in what she saw when she closed her eyes.

Somewhere between then and now, that little girl grew up.  Along the way, she learned that time alone wouldn't just make those dreams come true.  But for whatever reason, despite her best efforts, even her actions couldn't make those visions come to fruition.  And now, as an adult, I wonder about that intersection between hope and reality.  When the two collide, what happens to those visions?

What am I Fighting for, Anyway?

I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about what's coming next in my life.  For a number of years now, I've been pretty sure that I wanted to pursue my next job opportunity at LMU, or the very least, in LA.  But, as of late, something has shifted.  And while personally, I am still drawn to staying in LA, professionally, it no longer feels like a fit.  And somehow, the dissonance between the two is making it much more difficult to figure out where my path is leading.

I've learned so much and gotten so much from my six years in my current position.  And while LMU has felt professionally like home, there's always been a part of me that has felt like I was chasing something.  While I think I've embraced my time at LMU, I don't know if LMU has embraced me back.  At least not fully.  I've been fortunate to have had amazing connections with my students and have definitely felt like I have made a difference in their lives.  And this is truly why I do the work.  But sadly, all work has politics, and there's something about the politics that has never embraced me.  Maybe it's because I ask questions or challenge ideas.  Maybe it's because I am not a "yes man."  But regardless the reason, I've come to realize lately that I feel like I have continuously been a child seeking affirmation, and that affirmation never seems to come.  So it's brought me to the same thought over and over again: "What am I fighting for, anyway?"  I no longer think I have a good answer to this question.

And slowly, there are many opportunities opening up in other places.  Opportunities where I might find a great deal of satisfaction professionally.  These doors are opening just as opportunities at LMU are finally opening.  As I explore all of these options, more and more, the disconnect with LMU grows.  I keep wondering whether I have the energy to keep fighting for something that would likely not fight for me in return.

But professionally is only half of the battle.  Because leaving LA would meaning leaving my personal happiness.  My family...the family I've created for myself.  My support system...those who lift me up when I fall.  My weather...that which keeps me from drowning during cold and gray days.  My sunsets...that which reminds me of the beauty of each day and the promise of tomorrow.  How do I leave all of that behind given that it's taken me six years to build it?  How do you choose between personal happiness and professional fulfillment?  How do you figure out what's worth fighting for, anyway?

Look Who's Coming to Brunch

A couple of weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to get a chance to celebrate my birthday in New York City on a four-day trip that was full of friends, family and fun.  My actual birthday was a beautiful, sunny day, and I wandered through the streets of Brooklyn to a place called "Apartment 138" where I met friends for brunch.  It is no surprise that I was the last to arrive, and when I walked in, I was greeted with smiles and hugs by my waiting friends.  As we sat around the table, breaking bread and enjoying champagne, I couldn't help but look around the table and become overwhelmed with love for the faces that surrounded me.  This eclectic group of people, none of whom had connections to each other before this meal, had gathered in my honor.  And not only do I care deeply for each of them as individuals, they each represent such an important time in my life and group of people that I love.

Josh - My Beginnings/My Foundation
I am fortunate enough to come from a place that is a community.  You grow up with the friends who you make at a young age and stand by for many years.  You know their siblings and their parents.  You know their ups and their downs.  You know their stories.  And, like it or not, they know yours.  Twenty years ago, when I was an awkward eighth grader managing the seventh grade boys soccer team, I befriended Josh, who would be one of my closest friends that year.  Every day after school, he would ride his bike to my house.  We would hang out and do whatever junior high school kids do with their time.  And while this close friendship did not last through our high school and college years, he still holds a very special place in my story.  And twenty years later, when he walked in to a mutual friend's engagement party, we were able to pick up right where we left off.  This is a testament to who we are and where we come from.  The community in which we grew up...our town...our group of friends...we are a family who is connected at our roots.  And having Josh by my side during breakfast is a testament to that.

Matthew - My Self-Worth/My Self-Love
Due to a lot of different factors in the life story of Briana, it took a long time for me to really open myself up to self love.  During my first professional job out of graduate school, I was living in a small town and outside of my co-workers, did not have a lot of connections.  Even within my UMass cohort, there were few people who really stood out as people with whom I wanted to spend a lot of time.  I spent a lot of time thinking about who I was and what meant the most to me in life, and it was probably one of the first times in my life that I really was protective of this.  Matthew was one of the people who immediately captured my heart because we would laugh together, learn together and challenge each other during a very developmental time in our lives.  Matthew was also by my side as I really started dealing with my own issues with self worth.  Not only did he love me through this process, but he represents the parts of my life that were working and that I chose to keep.  Matthew's friendship represents the friends I made once I became the person I am today, and his presence at brunch all of these years later reminds me how important it is to truly get to know yourself and find people who love you for it.

Anthony - My Present
When I was younger, if you had told me I'd be living in Los Angeles working on a college campus, I probably would not have believed it.  But here I am.  And I am doing my best to not take any day for granted.  Anthony is a friend who I met through my work at LMU, and he is a master at being a positive presence in life and living every day to its fullest.  Thanks to Anthony, I get out of my apartment more frequently than I naturally would to socialize.  He opens doors for me and challenges me out of my comfort zone.  This is very representative of my current life because I am seeking experiences that complete what comes naturally to me, especially socially.  I've always been socially awkward, and not only is Anthony specifically good at helping me overcome this, he also represents my efforts to reach out more frequently.  In fact, part of what made this birthday brunch so magical was Anthony's presence.  His laughter and zest for life light up a room, and his friendship reminds me to embrace every moment.

Corey - My Possibilities
Until I walked into the door for this brunch, I had never met Corey.  I knew of him only through Anthony, but we immediately hugged, and the rest is history.  So even though Corey and I specifically only have a short history, he still represents something significant in my life:  the potential that every day brings if you allow it.  By opening myself up to Anthony's friendship, I indirectly opened the door to all of the other potential friends in my future.  Each new person and each new face is someone new who may impact your life when you least expect it.  One minute, Corey was a friend of a friend, and the next, he was celebrating my birthday with me.  Possibilities can become realities just that quickly.

Alaina - My Passion
There are many reasons why I do the work that I do, but one of the biggest draws for me is getting the opportunity to meet and work with amazing students, and also to be given the privilege to walk beside them along their journey of self-discovery and development.  Every now and then, I'll even get a chance to impact their lives along the way.  And if I'm lucky, once they graduate, some of these students stay in your life and become your friends.  Alaina graduated from LMU two years ago, and she is a very dear person in my life.  As a student, I was endeared by her positive attitude, her creative spirit and her open heart.  As a friend, she has let me in even further to see the depth to which she loves and interacts with the world around her.  Alaina's presence in my life represents my heart's passion and why I have chosen to spend my professional life on a college campus working with young adults.  And her sitting by my side just further reinforces why this is the right field for me.

So, yes...maybe I tend to think too deeply about some situations, but I couldn't help but be taken aback by the love I felt for the motley crew who gathered to celebrate me on my birthday, but I also was very moved by what each of them represented in my life.  And for 34 years of life, I sure haven't done so bad!

Goodnight Irene

One of my favorite poets once wrote, “Time stands still best in the moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life.”  No one knew this better than my mom.  My mom saw the beauty in things that most people wouldn’t notice.  Did you know that my mom loves trees?  Every time she saw a beautiful, twisted trunk, or roots reaching from beneath the ground, she would stop immediately to take its picture.  Or maybe you weren’t aware that mom would go out of her way not to kill a living object, regardless of how creepy or crawly it was.  As a kid, I would be so grossed out watching her secure a critter with her hands or a cup and gently escort it outdoors to its safety.  As an adult, I simultaneously smile and roll my eyes as I find myself doing the same thing, thinking of all the creatures I’ve saved in her honor.  And to mom, there was no moment too small, no moment too insignificant, no moment too ordinary that it didn’t deserve to be captured by camera, frozen in time for us to enjoy again and again.

Yes, my mom was able to appreciate the ordinary, but my mom was far from ordinary.  In fact, she was extraordinary.  I’ve spent a lifetime wondering if there was anything she couldn’t do.  For over 30 years, I’ve looked on in awe at the woman who has been, not only the rock of our family, but seemingly the rock for so many of you, as well.  And while I know each of us has a story of how she has touched our lives or how she has helped during a time of need, mom’s extraordinary impact goes far beyond what she has done for each of us.  Mom’s lasting impact is in the way she could light up any room with her smile or squeeze away any worry with her hugs.  Her legacy is her ability to see the positive in every situation and in each one of us.  But mostly, her legacy is in her capacity to love, and especially the love she showed our family.  To my dad – for over 36 years, she stood by your side, loving you unconditionally and fully through everything life and marriage could send your way.  To my brother – we couldn’t have asked for a better mother.  That’s evident in the amazing man, husband and father you are today.  And to my Kayla – Gum’s angel – there are no words to describe what you meant to her.  No words to describe how much she loved being your grandmother, a role in which she was truly extraordinary.

So, in honor of my mom, I ask each of you to consider the following:  Maybe what made my mom so extraordinary was her ability to fully embrace the ordinary that most of us take for granted each day.  So, today: stop.  Stop in your tracks; look around.  Find that which is most suspiciously ordinary and give it extra consideration.  Listen for my mom’s voice.  She’ll guide you right to what is most beautiful about it, and I promise you, it’ll be extraordinary.

Ecuador: The Adventure Hat

Thirty minutes into my 33rd birthday, I boarded a plane with 11 LMU students and one faculty member to head south to Ecuador for a week of service and reflection. Before we shuffled onto the plane, the group serenaded me with a rousing round of "Happy Birthday" as we stood in line to board. And once on the plane, after a little pleading with the man in 7F to switch seats with me so that I could sit by the pack, I settled into my seat and quickly passed out. For the past few weeks, I've been solidly asleep by 10 pm, so to be up and functioning past midnight was quite the feat. All things considered, I got a pretty decent rest for the good part of four hours, waking occasionally to adjust my positioning or awaken whichever limb had fallen asleep. I'm pretty sure that if I could find a travel seat cushion to protect the top of my bum from aching, I could probably stay asleep for an entire flight. Alas, with an achey arse, I awoke as we began our descent into Guatemala City - our stopover during the first leg of our travels.

The view from seat 7F was beautiful. As we descended closer to the clouds, a volcano appeared, peeking its head above as if to remind air travelers of its ominous presence. I snapped some pictures, brought my seat back to its upright position and listened to my playlist come to an end just as we touched down on new soil.

There were many benefits to swapping seats for the front of the plane, including making sure none of the students got off the aircraft. Since this was just a stopover for us, we weren't to disembark the plane, but sure enough, the first I had to stop was Schultzy, suited up in his self-named "adventure hat" (an LMU baseball cap) and fumbling toward the exit despite me and Kelley still being buckled up in our seats. Next to try to escape was Mark, one of our fearless leaders. "Mark, we don't get off here. We stay on until Costa Rica." "This is Costa Rica." "No, sweet pea. This is Guatemala." when your trip leader doesn't know in which country you are, it might be a good idea to worry.

Fortunately, we kept everyone on the plane and the only catastrophe was when Schultzy knocked his head into the overhead TV causing the adventure hat to topple. Mark and Kelley made a valiant effort at trying to convince me that they could now claim Guatemala as a place they've visited (an argument, I'm not sad to report, they lost). But as I watched us slowly taxi passed the row of hangars before the wheels pulled up as we continued our journey toward Costa Rica, I watched Guatemala get further away and thought about how far I'd come in 33 years.

Secret Blogger

Sitting in the WACUHO Exec Board meeting, and we started talking about blogs.  Made me remember that I fancy myself a secret blogger, but it's not supposed to be secret from myself!  Where have I been?  What has kept me from the blog?  Maybe (when I am no longer sitting in a business meeting) I'll muster the energy to come back and leave some memories behind.