talk it out

so, i'm not sure if it's a side effect of my job, but i'm actually a big proponent of talking things out. i believe in telling people how you feel and sharing as a way of working through things. and while this is typically a very good method, the problem is that it only works when the other person is willing to talk things out, as well. and, the truth is, there aren't a lot of people who are willing to do so. so that typically leaves me feeling needy or overly-emotional, when really i just hate childish, passive-aggressive bull shit.

last night, a friend of mine texted to offer me company and chocolate cake. and although i was not in a good place to have anyone see me, the fact that i knew someone was there was extremely comforting. and today i got to talk to two good friends of mine, and both are always good at helping me feel more grounded. one of them knows a lot of people in my life, and she's pretty observant to some of the nonsense that some of those people are capable of. she helps remind me that i'm not crazy (and when needed, she puts me in my place...which i always hate at the time). my other friend is just a good person to talk to because he lives in such a different world than i do that it's always nice to get his perspective. besides, he always knows how to make me smile.

so, combining both of those thoughts leads me to my clarity of today: there are people in my life who are good people, and those people are worth talking it out with (even if it's hard) and not running away from. let's hope when put into practice, that clarity stays clear.

stick a fork in me...

...i'm done.

i feel defeated. and hurt. and worried. and tired. and done. i'm pretty sure i'm empty, and have nothing left.

true colors

recently, someone who i considered a good friend showed me their true colors; unfortunately, they weren't very pretty colors. in the moment, all i could do was think of all the ways i screwed up or i did wrong. this is a terrible habit that i've spent a lifetime doing and a few years now trying to correct, but at times, it's just my knee-jerk reaction. even though i now knew why that person had been treating me poorly up until our conversation, it didn't hurt any less. and the problem is that it actually hurt more once i was able to walk away and think about everything he had just said. and with the hurt, also came some anger because through our conversation, everything he thought was going on, he manifested from his own insecurities and paranoia. but somehow, i paid the price for it.

fortunately, that night, a good friend of mine came over to be with me so that i wasn't alone. as i poured my tears and words out to him, he was able to provide that third-party perspective that you can't get on your own. he reminded me that you can't be responsible for someone else's insecurities and that my other friend needs to deal with his own shit rather than taking it out on others. of course, even as he was saying that, i found myself defending my other friend. and that's when i realized, what the fuck am i doing?! it's not helpful to me to try and be understanding of others at the expense of myself. because it only leaves me feeling terrible about myself. and as i am working on truly knowing that i deserve more than that, it is helpful to have good friends in my life who remind me of that as well.

and why is this all bubbling now? i feel like i have had some major run away inclinations lately, and i think this is a big part of the reason. the atmosphere that this person has generated is so negative and the behavior has been so childish that it makes me cringe. and though it has made me more appreciative of the good people in my life, it has also made me feel very clingy to them because i feel like i'm searching for a touchstone to ground me. and i don't want to be grounded in crazyland.

tired

so, i'm trying to stick to my commitment to write more frequently...but, i'm just so tired. my head has been hurting for over two days now, and it's really draining me. i had some tests done today, so hopefully we'll be closer to having some answers about my headaches/migraines, but until then, i'm just hoping for a pain-free weekend.

one man's trash is another man's treasure

so, today at lunch, one of my favorite cranky friends told me that my blogs from when i was doing semester at sea were not very exciting. now, i take this feedback with a grain of salt considering - as previously mentioned - he's a bit cranky (in a loving way...i swear...i think). regardless, i decided to take a little trip down memory lane, and guess what i found? i'm damn amusing...and reflective. so even if SOME people find it boring, i find me endearing. and i suppose that's what counts.

smell the sea and feel the sky

as i was walking home from the gym today, i had a moment where the beauty of my surroundings and the gorgeous weather struck me, and as that moment washed over me, "into the mystic" came on my ipod. so i laid down in the middle of the grass, closed my eyes and just enjoyed the moment. these are the things i don't do enough.

lessons learned...

...from television?!

yes, so, i hate to admit it, but there are times when i watch some cheesey, cliched television show, and as the credits are rolling, i find myself pondering some deeper meaning and how it applies to my own life. and tonight, as i immersed myself into some gift of pop culture from my tivo, i couldn't help but think about the search for self. considering the one person in life you should know the best (taking into account the amount of time you spend with them) is yourself, why do we spend so much of our lives trying to figure out who we are? shouldn't that process be a bit easier?

at the age of 30, i can't decide if i've figured out a lot or a little. i know i've made big strides, particularly in the last few years, but there doesn't seem to be a day that goes by that i don't find myself in deep thought about some aspect of me. and is this a sign that i'm only toe deep in my attempts at getting to know myself, or am i just introspective? either way, i'm not sure i'm happy with the answer. because what i want is a bit of contentment rather than always a push to better and improve. because that kind of push is tiring, and in life, there's no commercial break during which i can rest up.

nothing to say

i've been thinking a lot about my blog recently. this has been a place where i've been able to share so many of the exciting adventures that i've experienced abroad over the last few years. but for some reason, when i'm not trotting around the globe, i find it difficult to sit down and contemplate my daily experiences in the written format. now, considering i dread it when people ask me, "so, what's new?" because i feel like i have nothing to say, it may seem strange that i've been feeling this pull to blog about the mundane. but, actually, that's the exact point. i feel like there are so many interesting or humorous or inspiring or sad things that happen every day that i let slide that are worth taking a second to reflect on, such as:

* the first day it actually rained in los angeles since i moved here, and i got to watch the reaction of all of my students who never see nature's showers.
* the day i turned 30.
* the day i was feeling completely empty from work and i walked by this sweet humming bird, and i stopped to take in the natural beauty, and just as i was feeling a little better about the day, the humming bird pooped and i had to laugh at the irony.

so, in an effort to slow down a little, i want to try and do a little writing every day. and i thought that maybe by doing it on the blog, i would feel like i was accountable to the cyber-audience who may or may not even read this. plus, we all know how much i live inside my own head. maybe it will do me some good to empty out some of my brain every once in a while.