Light of Day

In the light of day, I know things will work out okay.  They always do, right?  The goal today is to spend less time in my head.  Starting now...

Overheard

The one silver lining to my sleeplessness is that I just overheard the most incredible thing.  Outside my window, some student just said, "Yo!  I met the girl of my dreams tonight, and we made out a whole bunch.  But then I went and made out with her roommate.  I feel like the biggest d-bag."  Seriously.  I can't make this shit up.  Sometimes, living on campus is the most entertaining and the most depressing thing in the world.

Toss and Turn

Since I've been sitting here stewing for hours, I've had ample time to reflect on a number of things.  A very good friend of mine said something really hurtful to me this evening, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head the whole night.  The weird thing is it is so not like him to say something so hurtful, so I don't think it was intentional, but it was such a douche bag thing to do/say and it has left me so confused.  The words have been swirling around my head all night, and now as I lay here in bed, they continue to toss and turn through my thoughts, which only makes me toss and turn in my sheets.  I really need a do over for today.

Runaway

Fight or flight.  In my case, I always seem to lean toward flight.  I am having one of those days when I can't get the idea of running away out of my head.  The only problem with this is that wherever I run, I'm still there.  And I'm beginning to think it's me that's the problem.

32.  32 years I've been me.  And while I can't say that I've spent 32 years trying to work out my issues, I can say that I've spent at least six solid years working on mending my insides and at least another three years painfully self-aware.  So when days like today roll around, and all I can think about is how alone I feel or how I can't shake this never-ending funk, all I want to do is runaway and start over.  But, I know that doesn't work.  Because, again....alas, there I am!

This is typically when the spinning begins.  My mind begins spinning into a fury of "bleh" because I know that I can't runaway and that I can't seem to make progress where I am.  So that makes me feel stuck.  And as much fun as it is to feel like I'm sitting around with a broken heart, I'm growing tired of the cycle.

I realize this is pretty dramatic for a Saturday night blog, but the fact that it's Saturday night, and I am sitting alone surrounded by tissues (and not from my runny nose, this time) and pondering jobs far, far away, I couldn't help but be honest about what was running through my mind.

Doctor's Orders

Today I had my one month post-op appointment at the surgeons' office.  As suspected, my iron is low, my protein is low, I'm dehydrated and they are concerned.  I was expecting all of this news, so none of it was a shock; however, what I wasn't expecting is another delay in my full-time return to work.  Don't get me wrong, if they think I need to heal, then I'm all for healing.  But that doesn't stop me from worrying.  So, now I am currently worried about the following:

Sick Days:  Somehow, even when I am out on medical leave, I still need to take sick days.  I am only taking partial days because the government covers 55% of my work, while I have to take the other 45% as sick time.  However, I still believe that I am inching close to being out of days, and the last thing I want to do is dip into my vacation time, which seems like a terrible policy to have in place.  I'm not sure what is going to happen, but hopefully will at least have a clearer picture come Monday when I talk again with the woman in payroll.

Retribution:  While I know that my supervisor has a good heart, she often lets her own anxieties get in the way of her management abilities.  I meet with her on Monday, and I'm just waiting for her to tell me all of the things she isn't going to let me do because of my sick time this semester.  I've preemptively chatted with HR about this, and I've learned that she can't do that (hold me accountable for protected time off), but that doesn't mean it will be an easy argument.  I hate anticipating these hurdles and psyching myself up for them.  It doesn't make coming to work, when it's already a struggle, any easier.

My Staff:  I can't help but feel like I've abandoned them.  And truth is, there's nothing I can do about it.  Once upon a time, I would have had enough faith in myself and in their confidence in me to know that they didn't feel abandoned, but after the past year or so, so many things have changed that I can't help but feel like a slacker boss.  It's breaking my heart.

So, instead of just focusing on being on the mend, I spend a good deal of time stressing about these things, and more.  And I'm pretty sure, this isn't what the doctor ordered.

Observations from Bed

Day two in bed.  Unlike yesterday, I made it out of bed before 5:30 in the evening, which must say something about my increased health.  But I am still a continuous mess of congestion and sneezing.  But I spent enough time in bed today to know that a lot of the rest of the country was also home from work.  However, instead of nursing a cold, they were observing Veterans' Day.  It's definitely an adjustment working at a place that doesn't observe Veterans' Day or Columbus Day (or Presidents' Day, anymore).  In fact, it can downright suck sometimes, but I suppose it's nice that we get the week between Christmas and New Years off and even a long weekend for Easter.  So, you win some and you lose some, right?

Full of It

Today, I spent all day in bed.  Thanks to a brutal cold that has involved over a week of coughing, chest congestion and a sore throat, last night I got almost no sleep.  Because yesterday, the non-stop sneezing began.  Followed by nasal congestion that prevented me from breathing through the nose, no matter how many tissues I went through.  So, when my alarm went off this morning, and I rolled over to see that I was swimming in tissues from a rough night of fighting with my nose, I knew there was no way I was getting out of bed.  Because I still couldn't breathe, I ended up laying here watching countless hours of Glee until I finally fell asleep and slept solidly until 5:30 pm.  Now, as I curl back up in bed, I do have some of my breathing back even as a fever creeps into my body.  So while I have no idea what tomorrow will bring for this endless parade of health issues, I do know one thing:

I have no idea how or why snot is produced.  And since I am very uninformed in this area of life, I have developed my own theory.  If I can pinpoint whatever produces snot, can't we just learn to remove that part of our bodies so we never have to deal with it again?  Clearly, I know that it can't be that easy, but when I am laying here in agony, breathing through my mouth and wishing I could get myself to fall asleep, the hope that this will one day be true is the only thing that can really get me through.

One of the Guys

One of the many perks of working on a college campus is getting the benefit of seeing the great speakers who are brought to campus to share their thoughts and world views with the students.  Tonight, the LGBTSS hosted Guy Branum in the Living Room.  While I've only seen "Chelsea Lately" a handful of times, it was still exciting to meander down and hear what he had to say.  Also, since we are still so, so young in our LGBTSS programming, it's always great to go out and support the office and the students, especially here, on a Catholic campus.

As both a lawyer and a stand-up comic, he had a lot of great things to share, and he was good at trying to engage the audience in questions so it wasn't just him babbling on.  Of course, as he was talking about why it is so important for the LGBT community to have allies, he gave a special mention to the "sassy straight woman friend."  I laughed, and both Anthony and Jimmie looked over and gave me a big smile.  Afterwards, as Anthony was introducing us to Guy, he introduced me as the "token straight female friend."  We all again laughed.  But afterwards I was thinking about the reality of this statement.  We grow up learning the importance of valuing the roles we will play in life:  family member, friend, professional title.  Growing up, I always new these were titles that would be of importance in my life, but never once did I think about being the "sassy straight woman friend" and how much a part of my life this would be.

To be honest, I don't even know quite where I'm going with this thought, other than most of the time we think of our allied roles (to whichever community you serve as an ally) as about how we support them.  But I think it is more valuable to think about how our lives are enriched by opening our hearts to love rather than focusing on hate or fear.  I don't even know if that sums it up (clearly I'm not feeling as articulate tonight as usual), but it is what is on my mind, and so share I did.