Epiphany

I just had one of those moments of clarity when you realize how a piece of your past has informed your present.  Like many of us, I grew up watching movies and television shows that have set me up for unrealistic expectations.  And these expectations can almost always be summarized by this:

Boy meets girl.  Boy and girl have deep connection, usually sharing a love for laughter, intelligence, wit...but is always complicated by other relationships, tense arguing and life hurdles.  They endure hurdles and find their way through life and identity exploration, but usually in the end, they find each other.  I didn't watch movies about princesses or teen pop idols making their movie debuts.  There was less cutesy moral undertones, and usually deeper, darker self-exploration.  It wasn't about making the world a better place; it was about figuring out what your own purpose was in the world and struggling to get there.  It was very Gen X.

So, as I curled up on the couch and watched "Reality Bites," one of my favorite films from my high school and college days, I couldn't help but have this "AHA!" moment because I was just as drawn to the intelligent, handsome, creative and beautifully flawed Troy Dyer today as I was when I was 16.  And I couldn't help but wonder why he wasn't standing at the bottom of my staircase coming to find me every time I leave my apartment.

So I can't help but sit here and wonder if Troy Dyer is one of the reasons I am still single.  Has he ruined it for me?  Is Troy Dyer my Prince Charming?

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes

Last night, I dreamt that I was at some store, and while I was dealing with some weird, dream-related drama, a car pulled up and out stepped Carmen and Will.  Carmen was in tears and she came running over to me and said she missed us and had to come back.  I started crying and we both were hugging.  She also told me that Will had researched some legal stuff and knew that we had to provide them with housing and a job. I told her she didn't have to convince me, and I would work it all out.  Then, together, we went on to deal with whatever weird, dream-related drama was happening.  When I woke up, I was genuinely saddened that it was only a dream and that I couldn't see Carmen today.   Carmen - clearly I have reached the point of missing you so much that even my psyche is crying out!  I guess this means it's time to plan a trip to Texas1

Don't Stop Believin'

Today was one of those days when I head to bed exhausted, but knowing 100% that I am in the right profession.  Today was Central RAP 2010!  And maybe my heart swells with happiness and pride because I played two major roles at the conference.  First and foremost, I was there as the Member-at-Large for the Central region of WACUHO, which is the executive board position that I currently hold in the organization.  As the Central MAL, it was so great to see my region come together for a great day of presentations, spirit and camaraderie.  I watched endless rounds of "Ride the Pony" and heard countless chants of "We are proud of you" from one delegation to another.  As I looked around at the creative name tags, the inventive outfits and the cheerful SWAG, I was so proud to be a part of this region where the student leaders cared so much about coming together for a day of fun and learning.

My other role, which of course is closest to my heart, was as a staff member from LMU.  In the five years that I've been at LMU, our delegations have really struggled at Central RAP.  There was almost a "too cool" mentality that definitely wasn't rooted in the fact that our students feel like they are too cool, but more in that they just aren't used to the culture.  Last year, when we chose to host Central RAP, one of the major reasons was to expose a larger number of our student staff members to the conference so that they could really begin to understand what it was all about.  And as I watched their faces of shock and disbelief (mixed in with exhaustion from set up and planning), I wondered if it was going to work.  So this year, when I knew I had at least one student who got it and was interested in taking the lead on the delegation, I felt sure that we could get at least 10 students to go.  But what actually happened far exceeded my expectations and hopes.

This year, with Schultzy at the helm of leading his peers and Marci as the delegation advisor, LMU had a delegation of 17 strong.  And while they were one of the smallest delegations there, that didn't stop them from being one of the mightiest.  To watch them cheer, chant, woo and mingle, I was so proud that they were there, putting themselves out there and showing their Lion pride.  And as I watched their video, it made me smile bigger and brighter each time.  I was so overwhelmed with pride for them, that it was hard to contain myself.  As I watched their eyes twinkle and their anticipation build throughout the day, I wanted to bottle them all up so show themselves when they were having a bad day.  And at the end of the day, as I watched them leap out of their seats as they won for best video and for spirit stick, it was hard to hold back tears.  My tears were for joy.  And not only because I was proud to be a Lion, but because I was proud that THEY did this.  The students.  One their own account.  Not because someone was making them, but because it came from within.

And after a four hour drive back to LA, as I lay here and think about this day, the fact that I still feel on cloud nine reminds me that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

GLEEdership

Today, I spent the whole day in Fresno working at Fresno State with the Central RAP committee.  This is part of my responsibility as the Member-at-Large for the Central Region through WACUHO, and I can't remember the last time I had so much fun doing "work."  We planned, shopped, laughed and got ready for tomorrow's conference.  And the more I thought about all of the students who were heading our way to participate in the conference, the more excited I got.  And I am especially so proud of the LMU delegation!  They have really put their hearts into this, and it has shown!  Their video is AMAZING!  I will have to a copy so that I can embed it into the blog.  It is clever and funny and CHOREOGRAPHED!  Seriously!

And I just finished my presentation for tomorrow.  I am presenting to the new professionals on submitting successful program proposals for conferences.  And since the whole conference is "Glee" themed, my session is called "Submitting Program Proposals that are a 'Schue' in!"  I'm excited about it, so hopefully the attendees will be too!

So tonight, I go to bed proud to be both a Lion and a member of the WACUHO region.  If everyday were like this, I'd never get sick of work!  And while I'm on this high, I need to finish my welcome address to the conference and my words during the New Pros social.  Hopefully I can be clever and win them all over!

A Step Up

Tonight, I am a step up.  Sounds deep, doesn't it?  But I mean it.  I am actually, literally a step up.  I am staying the night at Fresno State in preparation for the 2010 Central RAP conference.  And since I am in a student room, I am staying in a student bed.  And the bed is at Captain's height (or half height), so in order to get into the bed, I had to stand on the chair and get in.  So as I am laying here and thinking about this experience, and I can't help but wonder how the hell I did this everyday for four years!  When I was in college, we didn't have fancy beds that had different levels of height.  But I had creative parents who brought cinder blocks with us to put my bed on to create more under the bed storage.  So for four years, I climbed in and out of my bed.  I don't remember it being as difficult as it felt tonight.  And yes, I do realize that I am older (more than a decade older...yikes!) than I was back then, but am I shorter?!  I don't think so!  Let's hope I don't do something crazy like fall out of bed in the middle of the night!  That would be embarrassing!  I did leave the chair next to my bed just in case I need it.

And in fairness, I suppose I am a step up tonight because I survived my first half day back to work today.  And, the parts that I was nervous about weren't as bad as I was expecting.  So maybe I can do this after all!

Heartbroken

I find myself at a loss.  I am standing and have no idea in which way to turn.  All I know is that I can't seem to turn off this sickening feeling that a change is needed, but there is no change to be had.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to turn.  And I don't know how to stop feeling like I need to choose between myself and my job.  And can this really be legal?  Shouldn't people be allowed to take care of themselves without their job getting involved?  And how can I love so many parts of my job and yet feel so discouraged.  It's been a while since I felt this way.  Not since my second WTI when we talked about whether or not you had champions of your work have I felt so lost.  And the advice that Jane (one of the resident scholars) gave me then seems really applicable now.  But just like then, it isn't ideal.  So just like then, I feel deflated and heartbroken.  And I don't know what to do.

Civic Duties

After spending almost four weeks on the couch (well, not entirely on the couch, but close enough), today I stood up and did two very important things:  returned to the classroom and voted!

Originally, when I found out about the surgery, I was pretty adamant about missing as few classes as possible.  Teaching, even though not my full time job, is definitely one of the highlights of my week.  So, I figured, miss one class and be back on my feet for the second.  Boy was I wrong!  Two weeks went by, and I thought, "Fine.  What's an extra week?  I'll be back in week three."  Well, I wasn't.  But this week...week four...I did it!  I got out of bed, shuffled over to the classroom and was able to get through the class.  Granted, I did have some pain, particularly in the beginning, but it was so good to be there and engaged in the conversations with the students.  I missed it.  I missed them.  Sadly, it did not give me any more strength to consider returning to my real job, but it did give me a little hope.

Once finished in the classroom, I headed to the rec center, which also doubles as my local voting poll.  I climbed the stairs to the entrance, and after a brief mess up with the ballot (what can I say?  I've been medicated for weeks!), I served my country and voted.  And it felt great!  I hope the students makes it out and vote; do they even realize how important it is?

Now, I am home and exhausted.  It's amazing how a little movement can really just wipe me out.  So, the minute I hit send, I am going to close my eyes and do a little snoozing.  I need to fight this sore throat and cough before it blows up into something bigger.  That's the last thing I need!

NaBloPoMo...Take Two!

Last year, the very lovely Carmen introduced me to NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month).  Since I was already an admirer of NaBloPoMo's cousin NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), I was immediately intrigued by the idea.  Truthfully, I think anything that encourages me to make better usage of my writing skills is a great idea, so it took me no time at all to sign on.  Granted, I only learned of NaBloPoMo about ten days into the month, but from that day on, I was able to accomplish its very simple goal:  blog once a day for the month of November.  So today, on November 1, 2010, I begin year two of NaBloPoMo.

More important than this fantastic kick off, today also marks the 35th wedding anniversary of my parents.  I know firsthand that these past 35 years have not been smooth sailing, but I also know that my parents love each other and they care about each other.  And I have always been very proud of them for working on their marriage and not just taking it for granted.  On this day, I wish them both another 35 years of love, laughter and hard work.

Wow...November 1.  How did that happen?  Where did the fall go?  Where did 2010 go?